Oh blasphemous "holy shit" I feel independent! or a new level of it anyway... cause I sure ain't in its entirety. Responsibility weighs me down as I stop to over think while the mass that is my life continues to pretend its moving forward faster than it actually is. In other words, driving(and owning a car) allows me a freedom I'm not used to and therefore freaks me out. Suddenly it's not just about what I can do or where I can go, it becomes a bunch of negative what if's!
ok, okay... I might be milking this subject too much, I may even be exaggerating a bit O.o What am I talking about? Driving IS a big responsibility and I'm somewhat of a beginner at it so yeah, it is quite a big deal. Not to mention I never really socialized with the live-the-now-worry-later type of people. Mmm, technically not true if you count midterm seasons. Whatever, I guess I just expect myself to be a natural when all I really need is experience. Still, those what if's make me quite anxious.
Maybe it's that, maybe it's the moving forward thing. I don't consider myself living in the "real world" yet. I feel stuck and dangerously adjusting myself to it. Suddenly four years at Berkeley seem so surreal, so inconsequential... I guess I've been so used to doing something that doing nothing allows for little depressions. Enjoy yeah? I wonder why I can't do that thing where I just zone out, move on deal with it and get through it, I'm so good at it when it comes to everything else. Am lacking distractions, interaction is waning, I'm not really trying?
Na! I am decidedly momentarily bummed. Notice the decline: Car worries... OMG THE WEIGHT OF EXISTENCE! To clarify, the whole car thing is in no way an analogy, I really am mildly(?) concerned.
and no! this isn't "that time of the month" sort of emotional leakage. I'm not actually sitting here oozing of melancholy. I'm actually rather amused at the whole amalgamation of thought, if thought you want to call it... I much rather "rant". G'nite!

Though I failed at leaving the house by 7am, I did get out half an hour later :p. Unfortunately the plan was to start early so I could avoid the high school traffic (given that I'm pretty much next to it), and so I walked right into it. I was planning on using the High School track but with all this activity I decided to walk to the park and run for a bit there... Let's just say I ended up walking a whole lot and running very little. I swear I think I didn't even run a mile in total and my legs already felt like jello ha ha!
Pretty pathetic no?
I did two sets of 20 sit ups and two sets of 5 push ups (the regular ones, though today I'm so sore I couldn't do them again so I did double of the "girl" push ups) plus Daniella said I ought to do some backward push ups so I just did one set of 10.
So that's it, after that my legs and arms couldn't put up with more :p and now I'm hurting so I can only focus on repeating it all.
I'll admit today I failed to get up early cause I went to sleep pretty late last night. Celia, Janet and I went out yesterday and we went shopping. I ended up buying four shirts (dang I need a job soon). It was a lot of fun though we ended up getting kicked out of the mall cause the power went out. After we left target we went to Olive Gardens to have dinner and that was awesome. We talked a lot, remembered a lot and I laughed like I haven't laughed in a while.
After that Janet left us (the bitch ^_^) so Celia and I went to the theater not knowing what we were gonna watch. We ended up watching "Post Grad" and we were the only ones in there. It was great being able to comment in the middle of the movie without restraint.

Lately I've been feeling really unproductive, I have been reading a lot but that's not what I mean. I've been looking into getting a job just for the sake of money, and I've been thinking a theater job would be cool to have again, but that's not what I mean either. I feel sluggish and tired and have been thinking of the likely benefit exercise would provide if only I had the conviction of submitting myself to it.
But It's been only one of those passing thoughts, where at the moment sound so plausible and later on you feel it's more realistic that it wont happen... HOWEVER! I was chatting with a friend and she told me she'd just started running. I made a comment, we made some jokes, laughed it off, one think led to another and yada yada I've become someone's long distance exercise buddy.
So the regiment starts tomorrow, and I'm expected to be out and running soon after 7am. Results will be reported tomorrow night by which time I'll know how much I am in control of myself soon after waking.

Good luck to me

It's been a while.

Once again in times of desperation I show myself. I'm really worried about these two weeks, I have no idea how I'm going to get through them and to be quite honest I was starting to panic. I don't even want to think about how to get past it, I just have to do it.
Anyway I'm not in a particular mood to be complaining, plus I'm sure plenty of people are going through the same thing if not worse.

I'm feeling a little lost, maybe a little non-existent. It's like there's no meaning, just a robotic need to finish.

No more cuckoo, not anymore it's always a given that I fly over its nest.

FUCK!
SHOOT!
WHAT THE HECK!
... potbelly ogre!

*sigh* I'm pissed at myself. I really don't like the state I'm in and that I can't get out of it...

I´m in Spain engulfed by a new culture and it´s great, it´s very interesting. I have yet to meet more people, at the moment I´m... let´s say limited to a couple of people from the same program. We´ve gone to the city where Cervantes was born in Alcala de Henares and we´ve seen a couple of other monumnets and though I enjoy this and look forward to more I think we need to do something different like go out dancing. They seem to be more interested in being tourists rather than realy experiencing the culture through people, oh well I bet that´ll change eventually.
Ha ha, I find myself being careful of what I say and how I say it. I obviously can´t use my Mexican coloquial spanish because they don´t get it, and I just can´t use some of their coloquial spanish because I feel fake lol! for example, to say "ok" they say "vale" but they use it a lot but I use "esta bien (or just bien)" instead. The whole vosotros thing I bet I can learn and use but again, I feel fake and I´m not even sure fake quite explains it.
I´m living near if not in the center of Madrid, with a couple and their youngest son who is older than me. They´re very nice, very friendly.
I have to commute for an hour to get to my school and unfortunately I have a lot of gaps in between classes so I´ll be stuck here for most of the day, but hey maybe I´ll get a lot of reading done; afterall, I´m taking 4 classes that are technically all literature based and one on grammar and composition.
Oh right! I´m going to be doing an internship here on teaching english. this week i´ll just be going to my classes (I start today). But the following week I´ll additionaly be going to this intensive course from 8:00 to 10:30pm Monday through Thursday so that´ll be tough. It´s only for a week and after that I´ll be assigned to a couple of people to whom I´ll be teaching English and dependnig on how many people I teach I´ll get paid somewhere between 13 to 16 euros per hour (though 13 is more likely going to be the case as I´ve been told which is still good). I´m told it´s usually 2 hours or 3 hours a week so it won´t be a huge source of money but with how expensive stuff is any money help is good.

caigtosa flew over the nest but it had no cuckoo

It's 11:46 in the morning and I still need to write a page, at least. Man... I never thought I'd write such a horrible paper for a class... let me back up a bit.
Goal: to write 2 4-6 papers for today and I was given the questions yesterday.
at 5:30ish in the morning I finished the first one, which I think is pretty decent, I'm OK with it. BUT then I was tired and really didn't want to do the second paper so I said fak it and went to sleep... Truth be told I only planned to sleep for an hour.
I woke up several times but couldn't get myself up until 9am. I have until 1pm to finish this thing... honestly I almost gave up and went back to sleep, but somehow I just started bullshitting. This thing doesn't even have structure!!! dang I'm really just answering a question with no hard evidence, I mean I do provide it but not for the major points ha ha hah !!!
blah
Current Goal: to fill up four pages!!

You know what sucks? That after class I have to go straight to work... ha another thing, that I'm writing this instead of filling that extra page!!!!

Caigtosa doesn't even need to fly over the cuckoo's nest, she's already there.

Ha, here I am again,most probably on my way of pulling an all-nighter. Ugh...

Paper due in 9 hours. Not feeling anything but hunger and maybe some fear of starting this thing... lol! I've got the info, I know what I'm writing about, it's just putting it into organized words that clearly show my train of thought that is the problem. It's 3am and I'm too relaxed for my own good. I just hope towards the end I won't be frustrated cause that is not pleasant. I don't mind staying up all night as long as I make progress and my paper sounds like it has the potential to be pretty good.
Well, I just finished looking over notes and reading (oops forgot notes in room, I'm in the study room by the way) and should get to writing it and then deal with the quotes as I go. But first! I think I need some food in my stomach. Right I should get to it.

Caigtosa unwillingly flies over the cuckoo's nest

Sigh... three down, one to go. I haven't slept at all, I'm so tired and it tortures me that I have another one to write and finish by 3pm. I've got 7 hours.
Ugh, I don't care anymore, I'm just going to bullshit like crazy just so that I have something to turn in. I really need to sleep, but I also really need to study for tomorrow's exam.
Curses...

Almost done, just think about it and speed it up.

Here we are again. Another day. I was supposed to say two down two to go... unfortunately I fucked up!
Curses!
So, my goal for today is to write the paper, start on the next one and hopefully get a lot of it done or finish it entirely. This is really wishful thinking BUT it is possible. At the rate I'm going though...hm, let's not be negative, let's say it'll get done.
Maybe if I listen to music while working on the paper will help. I usually work with music anyway, I don't know why I didn't yesterday. I'll try it for half of the day and if it works against me then I'll get rid of it, hows that?

caigtosa wishes to fly over the cuckoo's nest, but is too busy to take off

sigh, so I'm back.
one down, three to go. I turned in my 7 page paper (ok ok! so it was six and a half) last night. Today I haven't been as productive as I had hoped, I read and then stared at my computer trying to start my next paper. Let's just say it's taking me a very long time to start it. I've actually written three sentences, I know what I will write about the problem is just how I'm going to write it. I'm being positive and hoping that after I write my intro paragraph along with my thesis, I'll be able to make an outline that will support it. Once that's done I think, and mostly hope, that the rest will go smoothly. To give me some credit, it actually tends to work out that way. My goal is to be able to get through the hard part before going to sleep, as you can see instead of giving myself more time to sleep and less future stress, I'm spending some time writing this out.
curses!
It would be nice if tomorrow turns out to be an amazingly productive day so that I can finish this paper AND write the other one. This way I can focus on the third one on Thursday and be done. This would be ideal! Know why? Because this would mean I'd have Friday morning to 3pm to look over the three papers and polish what I can. Turn them in and be completely done, well at least with final papers.
I hope I'm not too tired by then, I better not. At least I won't be so stressed by then. With some relief I'll probably cram Friday night and Saturday morning, take my Final exam at 4pm and then?... nirvana.

I realize that I only post when I'm feeling down, or simply to wine (though to me they tend to be connected). What have I to wine for today you ask? This semester. It has most certainly been my toughest semester, not just because I work and I have harder classes but also because I'm not too into two of them and it makes it incredibly hard to get myself motivated to study or to even do the homework so I end up doing it all last minute and taking longer than necessary because I can't concentrate for more than 15 minutes!!!(gasping for breath)
Anyway, this is all just accentuated by the fact that I am in the finals period. Three freaking final papers, like 10 pages each, two of which are worth half my grade and due the 16. The one I don't care much about is due this Monday and I haven't started... Oh right! how can I forget the final exam on the 17th!

sigh

To all of those that I have forgotten this whole semester, my apologies I honestly don't mean to. I feel like I'm always tired and my mind always zones out when it can and I become even more forgetful than natural (and that's something!).

Caigtosa most certainly flies over the cuckoo's nest

My head's exploding,
it's throbbing, the pain expands and contracts
it's not constant.
I stand up and what seemed to be easy breathing in my head suddenly becomes gasps of air except,
it's pain.

God help me, I have two papers due on Tuesday (midterm papers) that are both worth 45% of my grade. I haven't done the reading and my head doesn't allow to me begin... I'll have to try.

Geez, this semester's passing by way too quickly. I'm barely settling into my classes and in about a week I'm going to be bombarded with midterms, wth!?
Fah!
I've been struggling to catch up on reading that I don't get to socialize much with friends outside of my house, how lame is that? Celia we should have a sleepover, I think we talked about this last semester but I can't remember if it happened... either way we should do it this semester!

I guess I'll end this with a happy note, let's see, what's been good lately? um, dang can't think of anything... things haven't been bad, there's just been routine. There's nothing that's been particularly outstanding, no bursts of joy that turn themselves into unforgettable memories, ha ha!

I fly, fly over the cuckoo's nest like I always do

here I am, again during time of exams:

Fuck it...

I don't want to. I'll get through it.

I don't like the feeling. The feeling helps.

I give up. I'll get it done.

Please be over. One at a time.

... and so much more.

sigh
it's 11pm and tomorrow at 9:30am I have my midterm.
30% of my grade
one essay question, multiple parts
comparing and contrasting Marx and Durkheim
sigh

what can I say... I feel something I hadn't felt before. I'm not sure what it is. You know what! Fuck it! whatever happens will. I can only study and hope to do well enough.

yeah...

My room smells nice.
The sacrifice? smelling all those oil scents, cause strong perfume makes me dizzy.

... for now, and we'll see for how long.

What a summer, did nothing but complain about me to myself.
Well, now I'm back at school, what else can I say. Oh there is something I've been thinking about for a while. I've been thinking about swings. I like how swings make me smile even if I'm at my worst.
Sometime during the summer I walked to the bank and then to the post office. I was pretty far away from home and I was tired. I decided to walk through the street nearby where I had lived in the past for about a year. This street, it's not your typical looking lane of cement, it's like two streets in one and what divides them is not a line of houses but an odd looking shape of grass and trees and at the end of this grassland is a little park. Needless to say, being there was melancholic enough since I'd walked through there everyday and on that particular day it seemed so foreign. Walking through that little piece of grass was so refreshening it was sad, and don't ask me how this works because I'm not even sure I'm good enough with words to do it justice. It's one of those moments that are so nice and pleasant that they make you feel sad, why? because the sudden awareness of the good feeling makes you notice... what you were missing, the rarity of the moment, or the result of its comparison to what you were feeling before, take your pick. I know, I know I just tried to explain it, but I don't know if it makes sense or worse, that you don't fully grasp what I'm trying to describe, because when you dont' get it, it feels like when you suddenly feel a rush of excitement clogging inside of you and in trying to share it, it all blows up and leaves you with a deflated excitement that suddenly makes the whole event not so great after all.
...anyway
the swing
With that sweet and sour feeling (to oversimplify what I previously tried to describe) I saw the swings and I I asked myself, should I? as if I was tempted to do something too mischievous (ha!). I swear it was me holding a bottle of perfume up to somebody's nose and wondering as they judged the smell if I should push the top and send the strong liquid up their nostrils! I'm exaggerating the action of course, no one would get hurt from me going back and forth on a chain loop, but that's pretty much how I felt because the thought of it seemed so amusing to me as well. I was asking myself this and yet not hesitating to reach for the swing, sit, and let the kid take over.
With all that had lead to this (above) and the actual moment I took action, made the simple forward and backward motion so much more... ugh I can't think of a word that'll fit here... it was the previous pleasantness without the accompanying sadness and much more. It was thrill, it was happiness, it was and intimate joy in public!!! (even though there was no one in sight, but still surrounded by houses you never know who's watching)
I like swings. Especially when those thoughts of clarity lead up to the joy of swinging.

FUCK
*sigh*
... that's all I've got to say.

Caigtosa flew into a wall

I just read a couple of my first journal entries... hmph, I don't know what to say.
I only looked at a few of them, like 3, and I don't know what to make of it. I mean I know I've changed, but how? I still understand/remember the things I wrote and some of them I still feel sometimes.
Have I dealt with or improved on some of the things I'm not good at? In terms of personality, of course.
Am I still too nice, for example? I know I still have trouble opening up, but has it at least improved?
ha, I just realized that me saying my weakness is being too nice sounds kinda... stuck up? full of myself? But hey it's unanimous, all my friends agreed that was something they didn't like about me.
Damn it! here's my stupid attempt... and I don't like it.
la la la lalala la la lalala la la!
I got a tiny stuffed animal and it's freaking CUTE! It's a duck wanting to be a bunny tehehe. It's soo soft too.

caigtosa wonders if she'll ever flow over the cuckoo's nest again